The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
You Might Also Like
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Um … Hot Wings please
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon