Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore