A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Ain’t no way
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.