My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]