Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.