Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My time has come.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look