If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Herpes is trending, good job people
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
And then there were 4
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m putting together a team
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email