[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?