Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.