8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*