“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
never forget
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.