My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Best mom ever 😂
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.