them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?