When does CPR become necrophilia?
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size