If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.