the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
You Might Also Like
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
liiiiiiiiike
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.