Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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