[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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I need to get some bricks…
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.