If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My love language is deader than Latin
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
this is so top tier i cant
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.