Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
mumsnet is amazing
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.