Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.