The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
You Might Also Like
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
(Electricians.)
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.