Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
BRO LMFAO
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news