Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
You Might Also Like
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Something Saturday.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
the red hot silly peppers
I’m Sold!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean