Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.