My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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Merica.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?