TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
me hooking up with my ex
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.