Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.