You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.