My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Mission: Impossible
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.