customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.