Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You Might Also Like
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Chicken bread
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.