Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.