Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.