4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.