[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*