If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
For the baby who has everything
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains