If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle