I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Shoo shoo! 😂
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Sorry I made promises on Friday