If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
This is my brand.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
(2022)
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’