Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
RT if you could go either way.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.