I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
6. me as a lawyer