ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER