I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid