all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
When news reporters do sports stories
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’m literally crying
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?