Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You Might Also Like
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
it be like that
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*