Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Why is everyone getting married at me
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.