Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*cough*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇