If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*