What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
#polloftheday
the red hot silly peppers
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever